Lent is all about reflection and about how we’re pretty much down in the dumps when we’re sans Savior. In accordance with that, here’s my seriously truncated list of things I cannot do.
- Throw a football.
- Do math above a fifth-grade level. (Probably. I haven’t tried. The only math I do on a regular basis is calculate tips, and sometimes I don’t even do that accurately.)
- Eat chocolate without melting some portion of it into my clothes. Chocolate is really hard to get out of most fabric, kids. You’ve been warned.
- Read anything, anywhere without looking for grammatical or punctuation errors.
- Take politicians seriously.
- Touch my toes. (Have you seen how long my legs are? I protest! They are too long!)
- Wear cable-knit sweaters. (But, really, who can? Welsh or Irish farmers may be the only ones.)
- Pass a dog without wanting to pet it.
- Watch war movies. See also: Talk about war movies.
- Drive a manual transmission car. We got a 10-minute lesson from a car salesman in August, but I felt like we were all going to die in a jerky, fiery blaze the whole time I was behind the wheel and on the clutch.
- Read music.
- Watch golf for more than three minutes without crying out from desperate, desperate boredom.
- Skateboard. Not that I’ve ever tried. Or have any desire to try. It is easily the most stressful form of transportation to observe.
- Watch FOX News without my blood pressure spiking significantly.
- Enjoy a trip to the mall.
- Make crafts.
- Hide my emotions from my face.
- Open wine bottles without seriously messing up or losing the cork.
- Let my feet touch the bottom of a slimy lake or river without wanting to vomit. I can walk barefoot on rocks in a stream all day long, but please, please don’t ask me to put them in the green slime. See: Trip to Rivanna swimming hole, circa summer 2010, in which I bailed and sat on a log near the very pregnant and beautiful Cate.
- Kill animals or watch animals being killed. See also: Kill people or watch people being killed.
- Tell a joke without making an allusion to Liz Lemon or a member of the Bluth family.
And these are just a FEW of them! I can’t do so many things. Lenten conclusion? Jesus is OK with this list.