Things I have no interest in learning

For whatever unspoken reasons, I am not interested in learning how to

  • crochet
  • change a tire
  • speak Spanish
  • properly use a curling iron
  • prepare and cook meat
  • make a quilt
  • shoot a gun
  • drive stick
  • French braid my own hair (although I can do a bangin’ job on someone else’s head)
  • ski
  • clean and gut a fish
  • start a fire using only dry leaves and your imagination
  • rock climb
  • befriend cats
  • tie knots like a sailor
  • shape my brows
  • drink and/or like coffee

No judgment against these things;* I’ve just never wanted to learn more. Naturally, knowing how to do any of these things would make me a more utilitarian human (and considerably more likely to survive in postapocalyptic America). But I am uninterested. Alas. Life is short; one can only pursue so many things. But these things, cast aside, haunt me nonetheless. I will apparently go down quickly when the zombies come.

(*Fine; I do reserve a lot of judgment about guns. But that’s the only one.)

Any common task you’ve been uninterested in learning how to perform?

I was a very laid-back bride

On the morning of my wedding, I was lying in the hotel bed that I had shared the night before with my mother. Mom was getting ready in the bathroom. But I was still in bed, very absorbed in an episode of America’s Next Top Model. I have always been drawn by the novelty of freely accessible cable TV, a luxury perpetually unknown to me. After 15 minutes of inactivity, Mom looked at me and said, “Um, are you going to get out of bed and get married? Or just stay here and watch Tyra?”